OMGosh… nope, no and nah

I promise this seems to only happen to me, but it can’t, it has to happen to other women too, right?

I was putting gas in my car yesterday and after I finished and was in my car about to pull off, my eye caught the guy in the bay next to me. He motioned and I wasn’t sure why so I rolled down my window (my 1st mistake), the following conversation took place (replying – my mistake #2)

Him: Smile, you need to smile

Me (in my head): GTFOH, really!?! That’s what you wanted to say.

Me (actually words): Thanks but I’m good.

Him: Don’t you smile for your husband? What makes you smile? I bet if I took you out you’d smile?
Ummm, for real this is how you begin a conversation to ask someone out – where they do that at? Apparently somewhere near Phillyland.

Me: No thanks, I’m good.

Me (in my head): Do you not realize that you look like your 60 and I can’t even tell if you have teeth. It doesn’t look like you do. Shiny SUV’s don’t impress anyone, this isn’t 1998 or maybe 2002 when that might have worked on an 18 yr old high school drop out – which isn’t me. And I could probably put a drink on ya belly and not have it spill.

Him: You must be coming from work, what do you do, it must be serious.

Me: Yup….(as I roll up my window and pull off, I add) I’m leaving stop talking now

S in the White Mercedes

I’ve been meaning to write about this, I thought it was funny. About 2 weeks I was leaving work to go to a happy hour. It was late and kind of dark outside. (Yeah, I was showing up to happy hour all late, but it is what it is). Anyway, as I’m leaving the office and walking to my car, a white Mercedes pulls up besides me. He didn’t look like my normal type, and if I have a type that would be somewhat clean cut yet with an edge… I gotta have a man with swag, even if they don’t know they have it. Back to the story  (I get sidetracked in my stories quite often), I’m getting ready to cross the street to my car and he stops his car.

He rolls down his window and says: “what’s a beautiful woman like you doing out so late alone”.

Being the pleasant person that I am, I said “just leaving work”

He asked “do you live in the area”

[Negro do you really think I’m about to divulge that kind of information to you a stranger?]

I ignored the question and he then asked if I was going home. Now in my head, all I’m thinking is, if you dare ask if you can come home with me, I will find something to stab you to the white meat with a quickness. No violence was needed, lol. I politely said I was headed to meet some friends for happy hour. By this time I had crossed the street and was standing at my car ready to open the door. Only about 45 seconds had elapsed, even though it felt like 10 minutes.  As I open my car door, I see that he isn’t moving on and now there are cars getting backed up behind him in the street. [These Phillyland cats don’t know how to pull over to the shoulder, they just stop in the middle of the street any time day or night for any reason – I hate that]. He quickly tells me that he likes my outfit. I cannot complain I thought I looked pretty good in my tight ankle capri pants and heels too. But I digress. I thanked him for the compliment and told him that he might want to pull all the way over so traffic can get by. I don’t think it dawned on him to do it, but to my surprise he did. So as traffic is passing, he’s yelling through the sound of cars and is asking for my phone number and randomly asks if I have kids. Again in my head all I’m thinking of is..F*ck my life. I really just wanted to go out and have a good time with my friends and not be bothered by dudes today.

Ugh. I kinda of declined and lied at the same time. I said I didn’t have kids, which is the truth and then told him that I was seeing someone and he probably wouldn’t appreciate if I was giving my number out to other men. Yet in reality, I was only somewhat seeing potential bae, and if S in the white mercedes hadn’t told me I didn’t have kids because I’d been waiting on him to drop his seed, he might have gotten the digits.

As I was getting into my car, I see dude in the white mercedes is still sitting my the side of the road. I laughed in my head. Maybe if he had had a drop top things could have turned out different. Probably not though.

Note to men: telling a woman that you never met, that she is childless because you haven’t dropped your seed in her, isn’t a great pick up line. It sucks. No, really it sucks. Don’t say it.

mercedes-benz-e-class-e350-cdi-blue-efficiency-sport-2dr-tip-auto-comand-coupe-2011-diamond-white-with-black-artico-man-made-leather-4379562370ea8af2181ecc1e80c954f4

Thank them genes for them jeans

I did a little volunteering today and taught a class of teenagers about budgeting and the basics of the banking and financial system, and just my luck (not really) there was one kid, a boy who just had to show how funny and clever he was to the rest of the class. Every time I asked what they wanted to do with the money they were going to be earning this summer from jobs, his response was “buy you a ring”. Now in my head, my thoughts were:

“Lil boy, please. You wouldn’t know the first thing about handling me”

“I’m old enough to be ya mama”

“Ugh. This is why I dislike working with boys of this age.”

“For real son? I mean seriously, for real son – you think so?”

The other thoughts I had were, this is why I shouldn’t wear jeans when I do these things, I look younger than what I am and kids are dumb.I don’t know if this is odd, ironic or whatever, but I tend to get young bucks or old men hitting on me. As if they can’t tell my age or maybe they just don’t care.

But the real thought after the workshop today was ‘thank you mama for the genes that make these jeans look good’.

You don’t say

Picture it: Phillyland 2016 and I’m walking down the street going to the bank. I’m having a good hair day, the wind is minimal (cause you know wind will take all the bawdy out of hair left down), and why does this man, who could easily be my dad cross the street in the middle of traffic to tell me “you look good today” and as I slightly turn my head to look at him, I started to say thank you when he tripped. Did I mention that I was looking pretty good and my outfit might have been on fleek for jeans, sneakers and a fitted sweater, that might just have maybe showed off what might be a great looking round behind. Maybe. Perhaps. Probably so.

Moral of the story: sometimes crossing the street to tell girls they’re pretty might get you hurt. LOL.

At least a car didn’t hit him. ha ha ha.

Might, Maybe and We’ll See

I was texting former former bae yesterday about some business issue he wanted my help with. As always, he waited until the less minute to ask me to review some legal documents and help him create an agreement for a potential business partner. As I gingerly agreed to help (because we all know that I have time to add in something else to the other 18 hours of the day that I’m busy with work and my already too many side projects, but that’s another story) I told him that he would have to name his first born child after me and he better hope it’s a girl.

My text: …Also, are you aware that you will someday be naming your first born (hope it’s a girl) after me  🙂

His reply was: I just might…

My text: Remember you said it ’cause I’ll hold you to it

His reply: I just “MIGHT”

My text: When you say maybe, we’ll see, might or anything similar I interpret that as a yes. And you never tell me no.

So there you have it, there will be another me in the world (even if just by name), and perhaps she (I really hope his first born is a girl) will also make him want to scream and laugh at the most random things. I’ll leave a legacy one way or another. ha ha ha

Yes

 

I wanna know what crack is like…

Any conversation that includes that line is going to be a fantastic trip into the bizarre,  as are many of my conversations with former former bae (2 baes ago). Former former bae has a knack for the random and when I say random, I mean not even my out of left field random comes close to his random.

His random makes for lines like this to not really be random with him. Even now when I talk to former former bae, he’ll say things similar to “I want to know what crack is like” (which was said in a conversation when he was bae, before he was former) and what he meant by that was he wants to know being on crack feels like. But he would never do crack. This I know for sure. Former former bae is quite particular about what he puts into his body, being the former athlete that he is.

Anyway, we were driving down the street and where we were going doesn’t even matter, but in the middle of conversation, he says “I wanna know what crack is like”. And without skipping a beat I said back to him “why?”. I really didn’t need an explanation because is there ever a good reason to want to try crack? Yet, I asked and thus began a 15 minute conversation about drugs and why some are illegal and some aren’t and the role of the government in the crack epidemic.

By the way, the answer I got to my question was “just so see what it’s like”.

Friend Request

I’m sure lots of people have had this happen, so I don’t for one second think my experiences are unique. Some of them are kind of funny though. Some not so much.

Today I’m sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon watching the Lakers get all in the grill of the Warriors (and surprise surprise, the Lakers lead going into the 4th qtr.) and I see I have a new friend request on Facebook. Yes, I still use Facebook (and twitter too). It’s useful when I want to share stories with a small but close group of friends, in our private group we created on there.  Anyway, I get a friend request from some man that has no friends in common with me. I’m pretty sure he’s not even in any public or semi public groups I’m in. I can see that he is an older man, probably in his mid 50s with a growing belly. His profile picture reminded me of Telly Savalas (google him). Seriously just like him. His friend request got deleted.

This brings me to the other 20 or so friend requests that I have left pending for the past 6 months or so. I’m pretty sure I don’t know any of the pending requests, yet some of them do have friends in common with me, but I’m pretty sure I still don’t know them.

friend-request-facebook

I’m reminded of a friend request from about 4 years ago. Again, some dude that I did know or remember. I ignored his request. He sent me a message through the chat feature. I ignored his message. He sent another message. I finally responded  2 weeks later and said I didn’t know him. He replied that he knew me from xxxxxxx a place I used to live. My creeper alert started going off. I racked my brain for a good 2 hours trying to remember this dude and trying to place him somewhere in my past. It did not work. I ignored his friend request. He sent a 3rd, 4th and 5th message asking if I was going to accept his request – obviously not dude. I’ve ignored you for at least a month and haven’t accepted what makes you think your stalker messages are going to change my mind. I finally responded and told him I didn’t remember him. Message 6-8, he still asks about the waiting friend request. I don’t reply. He finally goes away – or so I thought. He sends me another message about 18 months later, asking if I’m still ignoring him. Yes, I’m still ignoring you!!. Message 10, he asks why am I being mean. Maybe because you give off a creepy stalker vibe. Suddenly, I remember who he is, and I laugh. I didn’t like you back then, even though I dated your friend. (Who knew friends of people you once dated for a hot second stalk you and get mad when you won’t accept a friend request). I ignore him and I block him.

Fast forward to today, I browse the many pending friend requests and wonder, what makes people send a friend request to someone they don’t know, someone they’ve never interacted with (IRL or via social media), someone they may or may not have another friend in common with? Surprisingly, not all of the pending friend requests are from males, a few are from women. The ones from women creep me out a little less than the ones from men/boys. Some of the ones from men/boys I assume are because they just like having a lot of women as “friends”, some I assume might even think I’m cute from my profile picture (oddly enough someone recently told me that my profile picture basically looked like I was saying “fuck with me at your own risk”, I’m still not sure how to take that). No matter the reason, I find random friend requests, especially from men, old men, old men who appear to have nothing in common with me, old men who look lonely (dang it, why must I look young, welcoming and nice – contrary to what the other guy said), and random requests from young men, who probably think I am closer to 18-24 (nope, not so much), and might even be a thot (double meaning and intentionally spelling – do I get 10 points for that?) they can kick it with. Nope. No sir. If I’m gonna Netflix and chill, it’s not gonna be with anyone that falls in the random facebook friend request category.

Also, I hope the Lakers can pull out this win. I dislike the Warriors and the player formerly known as Steph ‘Baby Ankles’ Curry. And the friend requests will keep pending.