No shade in the invitation

So, the other day I received an invitation to a wedding in the mail. It wasn’t an ordinary invitation. It was from a guy I used to date. Yes, someone I used to date is getting married and I got invited. Before y’all start saying ‘oh the shade’, it isn’t shade (she couldn’t shade me if she planted a forest of trees). Let me explain.

Here’s a little backstory:

He (it was so long ago, that I won’t even call him a former bae or anything, because he’s been more than 2 bae’s ago) and I dated for about 18 months, nothing super serious but I think we loved each other, but we both knew nothing more or nothing of substance was going to come of it. When we dated it was good, we had fun, and enjoyed our time together. His mom was really great and was sad when we broke up – because who was she gonna talk to about all the stuff she liked to chat with me about when I came over. She liked that I had a lot to say about almost everything. He and I did have a few hiccups but nothing really crazy that broke us up, except that I think we just started falling apart and doing things solo. When we broke up, we stayed friends. As he dated other people, or as I dated other people (even the 2 that I loved a lot… a lot, a lot) we stayed friends and would see each other from time to time to catch up on life, and would talk on the phone. When he started dating this girl a few years ago, I knew something might be special about her because he started talking to me less and less. To make a long story short, she told him that if he wanted to be with her, he had to stop being my friend. I was ok with that, even though it hurt my feelings a bit because I knew nothing would happen between he and I (there wasn’t any chemistry  – not in a sexual way and the love I once had for him had changed, it wasn’t romantic anymore and once romantic love leaves me, it doesn’t come back) so we stopped talking, stopped visiting when we were in the same city and just being friends.

Fast forward to last week. I opened my mail and there it was. A pretty white envelop with purple flowers and gold accents. ‘You are cordially invited to the wedding of xx and xxx’ followed by the usual information, date, time location, etc. There was another envelop. I opened the second envelop and there was her note. She wrote me a note. I was taken aback by it, I read it and this is what it said:

Dear [Me],

I hope my note finds you doing well and in good spirits in [my city]. I’m sure you’re surprised to be getting this because I know I told xxx that he couldn’t be a friend to you if he was going to date me. I want to apologize for that. I’m sorry for being immature and not being able to handle your friendship with xxx. I know that I was wrong and that I owe you more than an apology, I owe you a thank you. In all the talks I’ve had with xxxx over the years, I’ve come to realize that without you, xxx wouldn’t be the man I know today and the man I fell in love with. I owe you my gratitude for being his friend and for teaching him to open his heart to love and how to be a caring and supportive friend which makes him a great man to be with. The man that I have chosen to be with.

I was selfish and didn’t trust him having a close relationship with you, someone he dated before me and that his mom still liked. I was worried he might be attracted to you and that he might not be able to fully commit to me if you were in the picture. I knew that he valued your opinion on things, which caused me to worry that he might never fully add me in his life. I also worried that he might cheat with you.

He told me of the talks you used to have with him, and how you gave him confidence to go after the job he wanted. He told me that he secretly  stayed in contact with you even when I told him not to have any contact with you. He also said that it was you who told him what he would be missing out on if he didn’t keep me around.I’m sorry I doubted you and I’m sorry I didn’t trust you or him. I’m more sorry that I didn’t take the time to get to know you, I think we might get along.

I hope that you will come to our wedding and that I can say thank you in person.


[Her name]

Well, I’ll be John Brown (I like that expression, lol)… and duh! When I say I’m done with a man, I’m done with him. No matter the love I might have had for him in a romantic way, when it’s over, that love changes for me. I still and probably will always have love for the guys that I’ve dated, they’ve been some awesomely good guys, but my love for them changes when we are done. I love them dearly as a friend, but anything more than that is not there. There is only one guy that once he was out of my system, that I even remotely wanted to be physical with again, and that was/is because the chemistry in that department was mind-blowing. Would I ever want to date the mind blowing sex guy again, nope. I don’t know if I even dated him in the first place – we just had really incredible sex and I had a great time hanging around him and talking with him, but on the romantic side, I don’t think we were ever a good match. He wanted something and someone I clearly wasn’t and wasn’t ever going to be and I wanted someone who wanted me, and I realized that wasn’t him.

Anyway, back to the invitation. After I read it and let it sit in my mind for a day or two, I think I’ve decided I’m going to go. I have nothing but good wishes for them, and am glad he followed my advice to go after her and to ask her to marry him. A lot of my female friends find it odd that I have stayed friends with every guy I’ve ever dated. For me it’s pretty simple – my love for them and wanting the best for them in life doesn’t change or stop just because I stop dating them. They give me a good perspective on my own life, and occasionally when I have questions about a new guy, they sometimes give me good feedback and advice too. I tell my friends who don’t understand that “my heart is big and has room for a whole lot of love of all kinds. once I love a person, I tend to keep them there in my heart, just in a different way”.

Wedding invitation - sample

(this is not the actual invitation – but it looks similar to theirs)


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