She’s back!!!

My friend, my roll dog, my getaway driver, my almost very bestest friend is back… for a short visit to the States. They left Detroit behind and went to Oz in the early part of 2015. She’s sent me some of the greatest pictures of their travels exploring their new (temporary) home country and made me laugh with stories about how their kids did not adjust to things being “backwards”.

We’re having a girls weekend, a small group of the gang and maybe it’ll be like old times. Maybe we’ll do some shit that might make someone worry about going to jail later. Ha ha ha.

I’m looking forward to getting out of my city for the weekend and ignoring all of my responsibilities, even if just for 48 hours.

To bae or not to bae?

That seems to be my question. I’ve gone out on a few dates with this guy that I met (rather was introduced to for a 2nd time) about 3 months ago, and it may just be time for me to make him bae, since he’s been hinting at that for about a month.We have good conversations, my side is still a little guarded, but he seems to be really open and honest and I find that refreshing.

It’s been a while since I wanted someone in my life on a regular basis (broken hearts sometimes take a while to heal), I think my life or the unexpected craziness that is sometimes my life has slowed to a simmer and I don’t think it would freak someone out or overwhelm them to really know what the private me is like versus the public me.The biggest hurdle is my heart and my head. It sounds weird to say it’s both of them, because usually it’s one or the other, but I’m pretty sure this time my issue is my heart and head, both are speaking in my ear. Asking questions, questions that I know I have the answers to, questions that shouldn’t scare me, questions that make me happy, and questions that just leave me wondering.

I know in my head and my heart that I’m ready to move on from my last relationship, if I can even call it a relationship because it really wasn’t what I thought it was. I know I’ve moved on and am ready because my heart has been fluttering and wanting to fly again.

So back to potential bae… there are quite a few things I like about him, yet a few things I should probably just get over, but I don’t know if Iwant to.

My likes about potential bae: (1) He’s tall, I do like a tall man; he’s 6’2″ and is in pretty good physical shape, which means he doesn’t have moobs (man boobs), yay! (2) he’s close to my age, a year older to be exact (3) he has 1 kid from a previous marriage and hasn’t tried to make me meet her (I appreciate parents who keep non-serious people from being around their kids, if I had one that’s what I would do so I like that he hasn’t tried to rush me into meeting her) and we’re definitely not at that stage yet, (4)he can hold a good conversation and doesn’t mind how I sometimes move from one topic to another with no rhyme or reason, (5)I’m pretty sure he likes my height (for some it’s a turn off, I mean who really tells a person that they aren’t tall enough? yes someone said that to a friend referring to me), (6) he seems to enjoy what he does for a living, (7) we can have fun together and (8) he seems to have taken an interest in what I do. I’m not sure yet, if it’s a real interest or the early kind of interest you have or fake when you’re getting to know someone. Oh, did I mention that he’s cute.

The things that make me pause about potential bae are: (1) he’s not the best kisser. I’ve kissed him twice and it’s just been ok. The first kiss was a little sloppy, but I gave it a 2nd chance and the 2nd time was better, but not something that I crave. Funny thing that never would have been an issue if not for former bae (the not relationship, relationship) who was an amazing kisser. I could have kissed him (former bae) for hours and not needed anything else physical from him, but everything physical about him was amazing. We connected physically in ways that blow my mind with awe, (2) I sometimes think potential bae tries a little too had at times to impress me, it’s so unnecessary yet I kind of like that he does try to impress me – some people haven’t tried in the past (3) I wish he lived closer. It’s not exactly a long distance thing but he’s a good 20-30 (maybe 45 min in traffic) away from where, (4) which brings me to this, he lives in the ‘burbs and right now my life is in the city. I like his neighborhood and sometimes I long for green grass and a garage and quiet nights, (5) he hasn’t made me get all excited in that way. I want someone who excites me in that way in addition to being a great guy.

tumblr_nf78faBPsh1qbfm1po1_1280 to bae or not to bae

I think I could be happy with potential bae, being bae and possibly even more at some point.

I long to have someone that kisses me on the forehead again, and run their fingers through my hair as we lay in bed or on the couch. I miss having someone to cuddle with as we watch tv or a movie. I miss hugs. I miss laying my head on someone’s chest at night while I doze off. I miss having really great sex. I’ve always had really great sex with my bae’s. (As I’ve been told, it’s because I’m comfortable with my body and am an active participant – but I tell them it’s more so because I trust them and can let my inhibitions go, and that makes the sex good (I would go into more detail but I’d have to start a new page because it would be explicit but oh so good, so good).

I want someone who at the end of the day, when I’ve had a hard day and feel like the world has tried to fight me, I want someone who will hug me, kiss me and tell me it’s ok – that they’ve got my back. I want someone who will fight for me, even if that means nothing more than telling me it will be alright and I’ll be ok. I want someone who will understand that sometimes I just need to cry. I want someone who makes me laugh and who will laugh at my silly jokes and stories, even and especially when they aren’t that funny. I want someone who makes me weak in the knees and knows how to touch me in all the right places. I want someone who can and will challenge my thoughts and ideas – it makes me a better thinker and a much better person. I want someone who wants me.

I’ll be seeing potential bae in the morning for church and brunch, maybe an answer will come then.

I like potential bae, maybe I just need to give it more time. I like when things happen naturally and aren’t forced.

Sometimes

Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if different choices had been made. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been selfish and not set him free. Sometimes I wonder what would have been if I hadn’t chose to end what was just beginning. Would things have been different. Would we have been happy.  Would he have stayed.  Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I miss him…often.

Finally… yay!

Pleasant surprises are good. Last Sunday, I had a pleasant surprise. It was raining and I agreed to go on a last second date.

And he listened.

Apparently, in the midst of my ramblings on our last date, he listened to me when I said I like to tour open houses because when I met him at our meet up spot, he took me to see 4 open houses that afternoon. It was rainy and dreary, and I was worried about tracking mud into the homes of people trying to sell them, but inside I was bright, happy and smiling. It was a good time because he listened.

red-open-house-sign

I wanna know what crack is like…

Any conversation that includes that line is going to be a fantastic trip into the bizarre,  as are many of my conversations with former former bae (2 baes ago). Former former bae has a knack for the random and when I say random, I mean not even my out of left field random comes close to his random.

His random makes for lines like this to not really be random with him. Even now when I talk to former former bae, he’ll say things similar to “I want to know what crack is like” (which was said in a conversation when he was bae, before he was former) and what he meant by that was he wants to know being on crack feels like. But he would never do crack. This I know for sure. Former former bae is quite particular about what he puts into his body, being the former athlete that he is.

Anyway, we were driving down the street and where we were going doesn’t even matter, but in the middle of conversation, he says “I wanna know what crack is like”. And without skipping a beat I said back to him “why?”. I really didn’t need an explanation because is there ever a good reason to want to try crack? Yet, I asked and thus began a 15 minute conversation about drugs and why some are illegal and some aren’t and the role of the government in the crack epidemic.

By the way, the answer I got to my question was “just so see what it’s like”.