Out of my messages

Oh yasss lawd - squirrel

I have to start with a rewind. I took a trip a few months ago, to visit with some friends, but mainly for a speaking engagement. During this outing, I had the chance (or maybe misfortune) to sit next to a man, a man I did not know. During my entire 50 hour stay on this trip, I said maybe all of 10 words to him. The night before I left to return home, he sends me a friend request on Facebook (and that’s how you know sh*ts about to go wrong), and I accept. Hey, it’s no  big deal we know lots of people in common, what could possibly go wrong? I turn down his Facebook message to attend a closing party at his house that most in our group were attending – which might have been a wise decision.

I returned home and almost from the day I accepted his friend request, he sends me messages, long messages, really long messages and wants to converse. I mildly oblige. He seems nice, and even funny at times. Yet, he isn’t my type. And when I say he isn’t my type, let me list a few reasons:

1. He’s short.
2. He’s umm a little, umm what’s the word – portly
3. He doesn’t make me wanna jump his bones
4. He’s been married twice… Yes, I said twice and the last time lasted not quite 2 years or something
5. He has 4/5 or maybe 6 kids.. I really don’t know.
6. I think he might be a conservative… that alone would make me suffocate him in his sleep or just stab him
7. His voice bothers me
8. His style, that he thinks he has is not good, at least to me
9. He’s corny – even for me
10. He lives in another state – that has like 10 black people (and I need diversity, and good food)
11. If we got into a fight with folks on the street, I feel like I’d be the tough guy between us
12. He listens to Justin Bieber (again this alone is a no)

Anyway, fast forward to Christmas, and he is still texting me on the daily and calling (I never answer). I seldom respond. He seems nice and harmless, but his texts are getting a little crazy. I don’t really know you dude and you probably shouldn’t be telling me that I’m the woman of your dreams after a few weeks of texting and saying that I brought life and purpose into your life – I don’t respond to you, and I don’t show interest, so I’m probably not the love of your life you’ve been waiting for.

Fast fast forward, past some unwanted gifts, and past more ignoring of phone calls and texts, he sends me an email that he doesn’t think this is working out. D’uh! There is no this, so stop calling and texting, and yaaasss he’s out of my texts, messages and life.

Thank you for finally catching on.

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